Indecisive as Fuck

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I am extremely indecisive. I cringe at the thought of commitment. It’s really dumb. I’m a certified fickle-OCD hybrid. I obsess over things like a motherfucker then i’m like – next! Never to look back again.

That’s one main reason this blog is special to me. Because 4 years later, i’m still passionate about it! I can ignore and forget about it when I want but it’s always here. It’s a reminder of how much I live in my head and am my own worst enemy. That if I would just shut the fuck up and actually do something, i’ll impress myself.

I am doing the best I can to acknowledge my ego and check it when necessary. But I am extremely sure, extremely secure and it feels GREAT.  I’ve never lived my life so intentionally and on purpose. So I said all of that to say this:

When choosing my college major, I realized entrepreneurship was the only option. Well, my soul knew. My mind, per usual, had it’s own trial & error laden agenda. Tis life, right? Live and learn, don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. That includes your freedom, individuality, good credit and time.

However, I digress. Again.

So, when choosing this major – I couldn’t. I had a mental list with 14,732 bullet points on each side of why I should and shouldn’t commit to this or that major. When I applied, I got accepted into the Social Work program. Why? Because I wanted to work with juvenile delinquents. So I thought. Deep down inside my heart of hearts, I wanted to be a radio personality or news reporter. I really wish I would have pursued communications. I would have an excellent career in media. There’s still time. But back to the story.

I ended up changing my major to marketing. Why? Because I wanted to make money. I had no fucking clue what marketing was. Nothing. In hindsight – this would have been a great career path. I didn’t have the confidence and skill though, and when I saw calculus on my curriculum I knew right away to change that shit up if I wanted to actually graduate. I did take a business class that I may not have otherwise and learned a very pertinent lesson (P.L.O.C.) that has molded me into the manager I am today.

I changed my major to Political Science… well let me back track. I couldn’t change my major right away but I started taking classes geared towards Political Science. I can’t remember how, when, or where – but I entertained the idea of pursuing Public Relations. My coursework was so entrenched in other disciplines though; it didn’t quite make sense. I remember using their labs with the fancy ass Mac computers. Hated them.

So I ended up changing my major to Liberal Studies with a concentration in African-American studies. Big fucking whoop. This is all great and all, but MY GOD. I needed a degree in SCIENCE. NOT ARTS. UGH.

In hindsight – this allowed me to graduate with high honors (magna cum laude) because I was 100% invested and interested in the work. I just smoke way too much weed to try and be a teacher or something. I just rather not have to worry about those kinds of things coming back to bite me in the asshole.

All of this experience is wonderful in my pursuit of entrepreneurship – now. I get it. I needed to experience all of those things. I needed to learn how to channel my indecisiveness and make it work for me. Still a work in progress but it’s working out.

I ended up getting a Master’s degree in Public Administration – another long ass drawn out story of regret. But, graduated with a 4.0 GPA and learned a lot nonetheless.

I may be indecisive, but I am loyal and thorough sometimes to a fault. My mother always say’s “where there is a will, there is a way.” I’ve been making a way. Preparing for my opportunity. That’s if i’m not blocking it or missed it already (yikes!)

The impetus behind this post was me remembering how I would convince myself that “this major” was great because of “that.” For example, “majoring in business is great because everything is a business!” .. “majoring in political science is great because law and order rule the world!” .. “public relations is great because everything has to be advertised!” ..  and so on. I did that with every major (lol).

I realize now that it means i’m multi-faceted. Multi-discipline is mandatory. I can never just do one thing. Being a serial entrepreneur is the only thing that makes sense. I want to plan, lead, organize and control 100 different companies in 1,000 different industries.

I’ll be pursuing a certification in Project Management soon. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.