What Does Iyanla Have to do with This?

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(Originally written on 5/25/16 – Never posted it. Wasn’t even in my drafts. I stumbled across this when I randomly decided to log into TheUrbanDilemma@Gmail.com’s mailbox to clean it out. I went into the drive app for the hell of it and found this gem. I wonder why I didn’t post it? *insert confused face emoji* It’s extremely relevant and absolutely how I feel, even today. So here. From my drafts (which I should make a new category). This may have been a pre-cursor to My Memory Dank, the less erratic, condensed version. Nonetheless:)

Out of all the things I thought I would be… I wonder why i’m not any of those. Like an inventor, a producer, a member of a band, a professor. What stopped me? Lack of confidence. Why? Because my family is of the working poor, giving little foundation or nets of safety.

I didn’t feel like I had the luxury of chasing my dreams, I had to chase structure and routine. I didn’t want to be a burden, I wanted to be perceived as smart and independent. So I became that. I wanted to avoid the struggle. But now my spirit is struggling, immensely.
Right now, I figure I better chase what’s attainable, and document my journey. Who cares about what I feel or think? What service am I providing worth paying for? What skills do I possess?

Attainable: Better eating habits. Exercising more often. Cutting back on trees (pshft, sike like shit haha). Saving money (in theory, more like spending it more wisely, saving what I can).

I Need To Show Up AND Do The Work! How do you deal with people every single day telling you you’re too smart to be wasting your time doing what you’re doing? How can the proper person realize this? The one with the resources, power and ability to put my genius to work. Then how can I become that person? I think the answer is I Need To Show Up AND Do The Work! Put myself in the right places at the right times. I am afraid to fail, afraid to struggle. So for that reason, I struggle.

(I keep coming back to this #ShowUp & #DoTheWork. I literally just need to physically take myself into areas outside of my head and home. I’ve done the work. I am very good with communicating, building rapports and just overall being social and secure in my perspective. I just need to #ShowUp It’s just draining as fuck because i’m very much a behind the scenes type of gal.)

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Know What’s Necessary

I used to want to know it all. Now.. I just want to know what is necessary. Know-it-alls end up under a lot of pressure. Pressure means stress. My ultimate goal is to live stress free. The real kind. Not the pretend, “talk about what I hate all day long” stress free. But the, “why are we even discussing this..?” stress free.

I go back and forth everyday with “what I want to be, what I want to do” .. it’s all relative but i’m learning a lot about myself. Like, maybe I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Questioning every thing until I realize “nothing really matters.” Do what makes you genuinely smile.

Allison Seymour is a news anchor for Fox 5 here in D.C. and the other day during a broadcast she said something along the lines of “my dream is to have a paycheck every 2 weeks..” I feel you sister. By any (safe and ethical) means. Safe and ethical doesn’t always mean legal. But that’s another story i’ll get into on Th.Ur.Di., Blog.

I’m learning that, I am a hustler. That’s the mentality I have. And not a shady hustler, but an honest hustler. That means doing what’s necessary to get shit done, without stepping on any undeserving toes. I chose my words wisely.

I like to be alone. Or with my fiancee. Doing shit that “niggas” do. Smoking trees. Listening to loud music. Counting cash. Going shopping. I have to stop fighting these urges to “do better” and do what I want. I only have this 1 life to live!

Most things are about aesthetics to me. Dress it up and make it real for me baby.