(Originally written on 5/25/16 – Never posted it. Wasn’t even in my drafts. I stumbled across this when I randomly decided to log into TheUrbanDilemma@Gmail.com’s mailbox to clean it out. I went into the drive app for the hell of it and found this gem. I wonder why I didn’t post it? *insert confused face emoji* It’s extremely relevant and absolutely how I feel, even today. So here. From my drafts (which I should make a new category). This may have been a pre-cursor to My Memory Dank, the less erratic, condensed version. Nonetheless:)
Out of all the things I thought I would be… I wonder why i’m not any of those. Like an inventor, a producer, a member of a band, a professor. What stopped me? Lack of confidence. Why? Because my family is of the working poor, giving little foundation or nets of safety.
I didn’t feel like I had the luxury of chasing my dreams, I had to chase structure and routine. I didn’t want to be a burden, I wanted to be perceived as smart and independent. So I became that. I wanted to avoid the struggle. But now my spirit is struggling, immensely.
Right now, I figure I better chase what’s attainable, and document my journey. Who cares about what I feel or think? What service am I providing worth paying for? What skills do I possess?
Attainable: Better eating habits. Exercising more often. Cutting back on trees (pshft, sike like shit haha). Saving money (in theory, more like spending it more wisely, saving what I can).
I Need To Show Up AND Do The Work! How do you deal with people every single day telling you you’re too smart to be wasting your time doing what you’re doing? How can the proper person realize this? The one with the resources, power and ability to put my genius to work. Then how can I become that person? I think the answer is I Need To Show Up AND Do The Work! Put myself in the right places at the right times. I am afraid to fail, afraid to struggle. So for that reason, I struggle.
(I keep coming back to this #ShowUp & #DoTheWork. I literally just need to physically take myself into areas outside of my head and home. I’ve done the work. I am very good with communicating, building rapports and just overall being social and secure in my perspective. I just need to #ShowUp It’s just draining as fuck because i’m very much a behind the scenes type of gal.)